ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: The Writer, His Wife, and their Afterlife

Book One, Part Two, Chapter 85: The Two-Faced Woman

Six or seven years before he died Ernie dreamed this dream, which he told me upon awakening.

A man is standing behind me. I can’t see him. A two-faced woman, with the faces of both Nicole Kidman and you, is standing in front of me. The man asks this woman about her feelings for me. I can’t hear her answer, but the man says: “It’s perfectly clear to me this woman is totally in love with you.” I say to him. “I don’t believe it.”

Sometimes I wrote down our dreams in a notebook, as I did this one. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t remember it. At the time, I didn’t think about it. It went under the rug. Now, I realize how telling it is. How powerful it is. How revealing of Ernie’s feelings and thoughts.

In our life together, I don’t remember ever saying to Ernie: “I love you.” I didn’t think I needed to. I thought it was obvious. I thought to speak of love was schmaltzy.

I did have two faces, didn’t I? I wasn’t the person I pretended to be, and I didn’t even know I was pretending.

Ernie knew, didn’t he? At least, his subconscious knew. And his subconscious was never that far away from him.