ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: The Writer, His Wife, and their Afterlife
Book One, Part Two, Chapter Six: Bella Knocks
Bella, who lives down the hall, in the condo adjoining mine, heard my TV going until four this morning — I fell asleep watching Charlie and Tavis. Shortly before noon, she knocks on my door. She reminds me of a Russian ballerina of a certain age — pale hair pulled straight back, white skin, full lips painted red. Too short for a ballerina, but she makes up for her shortness with her formidable presence.
“Are you all right?” she asks.
“No, I’m not all right. I may never be all right.”
This evening we take a walk together in the neighborhood, choosing a street that goes uphill. Bella likes hills. “I need to push myself,” she says.
Bella reminds me of Ernie; he pushed himself, too. Bella hates the night. So did Ernie. She’s grateful for each new day. So was Ernie.
“Joshua called today,” I tell her. “I told him my latest thoughts on my marriage to Ernie. My emotional disconnection. I told Joshua I’m probably a sociopath, incapable of feeling. At least, until now.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he would talk about anything, anything, but emotional stuff.”
“Work on yourself, as you’re doing. He’ll change in response to your change. But don’t force it.” We crest the hill, passing a yellow house with fluted white columns. “I’m sure Joshua doesn’t like to hear his mother call herself a sociopath,” she says.
“I didn’t realize I was hurting Ernie.”
“And Ernie didn’t tell you. That’s the way your marriage worked.”
“When he finally did, I didn’t believe him. I didn’t take him seriously. I didn’t take anything seriously. Except when we lost money in the stock market four years ago, when stocks and real-estate both plummeted. That’s the first time I thought about suicide. Now, that seems so ridiculous. We had each other. We had enough money.”
“You’re waking up,” Bella says. “That’s the good thing. Now you know. You’ll do better next time.”
Next time? I don’t want a next time. I want a do-over. I want a second chance with Ernie.
