ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 38: To Buy or Not To Buy

Joshua and I are still on the park bench, and he’s still talking. He needs to talk all this out.

“Christy said to me: ‘Why do you think I bought you the jeans and work belt?’ That’s what she bought for me before I left town. Going-away gifts.”

I think: Christy bought Joshua a costume for the role she wants him to play — repairman, fixer-upper. Fixing up a house for her. Fixing her. Solving her problems. He’s played this role for fourteen years. Maybe he’s tiring of it. Maybe he’s outgrowing it. Maybe he doesn’t need it anymore. Maybe he’s finally beyond being a Rescuer.

“She’s not listening to me,” Joshua says. “She’s all about what she wants. And who knows what she wants? A month or two from now she could be saying something entirely different.”

The golden sun is disappearing behind the skeletal trees, which are muffed with mistletoe. It’s turning cooler. Joshua tightens the yellow scarf around his neck. “I don’t like cold weather. Today’s an okay day. No wind. Sunny. But this is not a typical January day. I miss the light and the warmth of California. I can’t live here.”

We get up from the bench, and he drives me back to my place. I linger in the car. I don’t want to go up to the emptiness. I don’t want to leave Joshua. I put my hand on his knee. “Just let me stay here a minute or two,” I say.

“Are you all right?” His voice is soft.

I’m trying to be, is what I say to myself. I nod to him as I feel the sting of tears. I’m not all right, but maybe I will be.

“Maybe I’m taking the easy way out, selling the house to Cindi the minute the deed’s in my name.”

“No, you’re taking the bigger challenge. Going back to L. A. Fighting that battle. But that’s the battle you want to fight.”

Finally, I get out of the car.

“You have your keys?” Joshua asks.

I nod. I have my keys.