ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 243: Enough

Ernie is still my friend. He is still my love. I don’t want him to be dead, he didn’t want to be dead, and he’s not dead — not to me.

Does this sound as if I’m in fantasyland? But I’m not. I know I’m not.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t cry and scream. I cursed him again and again yesterday for leaving me in such a state of confusion. But I was in confusion long before I met Ernie and so confused I didn’t know it.

Rejoice and be glad, Ernestina, for you are coming to know yourself and to know Ernie. He would rejoice and be glad, too.

I miss the now of Ernie. I can know him only to the point of his death — and only what, in my Recovering self, I can divine. But I miss the now and the all of him.

Oh, sure, I can write that he’ll always be with me until there’s no more me, that he’s a part of me and always will be, but sometimes that’s not enough! I want more. I’ll always want more, and more is what I cannot have.

Ernie was always so warm to the touch. It’s why I loved to nuzzle him. I was cold, and he was warm. He’s warming me still. He’s helping to make possible The Great Unthawing. Isn’t that enough?

Eventually, I hope that it will be enough.