ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 299: To Nurture

At the farm market I buy apple butter from Beth, maker of the jams and marmalades and sweet breads I’ve been buying for months. She looks neat and organized in dark trousers and black parka, red turtleneck peeking from under the parka.

“I came across a recipe for peanut brittle,” she says, “and I thought: how about pumpkin seeds instead of peanuts? Maybe that would appeal to my farm-market customers.”

Beth bakes on Fridays in her own kitchen for her business, which she’s named Full Heart Farm. “I love what I do,” she says.

I come home with apples, bread, and the apple butter, then eat breakfast, which includes toast spread with Beth’s orange marmalade. Then I start crying. I lie on the bed, turn my head, and tears spill off my cheek.

Why am I crying? Because I feel so unloved. I think: I’m hitting bedrock now, am I not?

A hospital scene comes back to me. Ernie in the bed near the window. Joshua and I on a twin bed across the room from him. Ernie saying: “I know I shouldn’t feel abandoned, but I do. Come closer.”

Finally, I’m feeling what he felt. And why am I feeling it today?

Perhaps it was talking to Beth that brought it out. It’s so evident that she’s a kind person with a full heart who nurtures others with her breads and jams. She’s a nurturer.

I will learn to be a good mama to myself. I will learn to nurture myself.