ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching
Book Two, Chapter 191: No Blame
Quite by accident, I meet a Twelve-Step friend in the park.
“Was it your fault or your husband’s that you didn’t get along?” she asks.
At my CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous) meetings, our mentor tells us: “We’re not here to blame. We’re here to pop the pain bubbles, to let the garbage out and the healthy in.”
Ernie and I were the way we were because, in large part, our parents were the way they were. And their parents were the way they were. Loss of self was handed down. Fear and sadness and hurt were ever-present but not talked about and gotten through. No partner came out of his or her repression and isolation to emotionally and physically connect with the other.
We marriage mates weren’t each other’s best friend; many times we were each other’s best enemy. And we ended up killing each other one way or another.
I remember what Ernie said to me once: “I am not your enemy.” Back then, I didn’t know what he was talking about, and I didn’t respond to him. Did he feel attacked by me? Obviously he did. He felt hurt and unloved. And we didn’t talk about this.
Yes, Ernie and I repeated the hurtful ways of our parents’ marriages. We repeated what we’d learned, and we never unlearned it so that we began to intentionally and consciously and mindfully act as if we were each other’s best friend and lover.
To answer my Twelve-Step friend’s question of who’s at fault, I say: “I don’t think that way anymore.”
In a relationship that’s getting healthier and happier, there’s no room for blame. Each partner owns up to his or her part in the hurt, and each partner works on his or her part in the healing. With both partners mutually supportive and working for the common good, health and happiness can begin and increase.
The healing work is on-going, isn’t it? Because it takes continuing awareness and much time to hurdle the hurting habits.
I’m reading John and Julie Gottman’s books on how to achieve healthy and happy relationships. They’ve supervised a “love lab” for years. They know whereof they speak. And they speak volumes to me.
