ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 40: Emotional Maturity

In clearing out a basket full of papers and old mail, I find at its very bottom an issue of Psychology Today. In it is Pamela Weintraub’s article How to Grow Up.

In a healthy marriage, Pamela writes, two independent people, each secure within himself, each with a strong sense of self-worth, come together in a mutually supportive way to form an inter-dependent relationship. Each expresses his true thoughts and feelings to the other, trusting that this openness can only help them grow closer. They do grow, separately and together, and their marriage evolves.

Pamela Weintraub bases her article on an interview with David Schnarch, a New York-born psychologist practicing in the foothills of the Colorado Rockies. He speaks of differentiation, another word for emotional maturity.

A differentiated person has a strong sense of self.

“Instead of asking someone for a stamp of approval,” David says, “you do what any grown-up does — approve of yourself. The irony is that when you say what you think without fear of rejection, your partner loves and respects you more because he knows who you really are. Inter-dependent couples are flexible, and their relationship focuses on strengths. Dependent partners spend their lives compensating for each other’s needs.”

David Schnarch builds on the work of Murray Brown, a pioneering psychiatrist at Georgetown University. They agree on these hallmarks of emotional maturity:

Withstanding peer pressure — holding on to deeply held personal values and goals even when pressured to abandon them;

Controlling one’s anxieties — soothing oneself without needing to turn to a partner for help;

Facing but not over-reacting to difficult people and situations;

Persevering in the face of failure and disappointment to accomplish one’s goals;

Changing direction when further struggle is futile or foolhardy.

I think I’ll memorize this list. It will help me. It will be my standard.