ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 276: Time

Late, in the hospital, Ernie said to me: “You try to help, but you hurt.”

Strange how true this is, more than he knew, because “you hurt” is a double entendre, isn’t it? In trying to help, I hurt others and I hurt myself.

This is also true for Ernie. By shouldering so much responsibility, by directing our life, he wore himself out and kept me a little girl. Also, in doing so often what he didn’t want to do, he built up resentments.

And I? In allowing him to lead me, I was often led to places I didn’t want to be, so I built up resentments, too. Our resentments stayed mostly hidden, doing inside damage, keeping us stuck and stunted, hurt and angry.

I want a simple life now. No drama. Drama involves conflict. Conflict fuels fiction, but I don’t want it to fuel my life. Challenges, yes, that I choose for myself, and goals I set for himself, but not needless conflict. And when conflict does come, let me find a kind and respectful and helpful way to resolve it.

I know life is not easy, and life has a way of going by very quickly, although my life has slowed considerably. Being alone has a way of slowing Time. The more people in the mix, the faster Time goes for me.

There are days when I don’t want to be given Time. There are days when I say: Enough. I’ve had enough. I don’t want any more Time. I’ll forego any pleasure to be done with the pain.

Yes, some days this is what I think. Then another day comes, and I’m feeling grateful once again for all I am being given, including this Time.