ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 208: Hurlings, Moanings

I’ve tried to write this chapter all week. Why is it so hard?

Because I’m nearing the heart of the problem Ernie and I shared.

Mary, my mentor on co-dependency, says: Talk elicits feelings elicits trust.

Not just any talk, though. Talk that reveals our inner self. What’s hurting us just now. What we’re scared of just now. What’s been on our minds for a long time that we’ve been reluctant to talk about but that’s causing us to feel bad.

Truth talk. Talk that can help us through a crisis or prevent one. Talk that can draw us close, draw us closer. Essential talk.

In the last year or so of his life, Ernie blurted out:

“You’re an ingrate.”

“You’re a hard-hearted shrew.”

“Because you don’t have feelings, you don’t think anyone else does.”

Near the end, I said to him:

“I hate the word duty. Don’t talk to me of duty. I want to do things because I want to do them, not because I have to do them!”

At the very end, as he lay dying, I screamed: “Why did you even marry me?”

Not once did we hold a meaningful conversation with each other. Not once were we knee-to-knee, holding hands, looking each other in the eye, with the goal of improving our relationship skills and bringing a healthy balance to our partnership.

We didn’t seek help from a therapist or attend Twelve-Step meetings. Instead, we hurled accusations at each other, then shut down, and it was as if no one had even spoken. There was no dialogue, only these hurlings, these moanings.

That echoed.