ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 287: Practice, Practice, Practice

For almost eleven months Joshua’s been living with my two brothers in my childhood home. Tonight I leave him a long message. “You can live here, with me. We can make my bedroom your bedroom. We can each continue our healing.”

In our last two conversations I’ve been honest with him, perhaps for the first time in my life. I’ve broken through a wall I put up myself. I won’t go back to the way I was. Not telling the truth hurts too much. But have I said too much? Have I overwhelmed him? Is he ready for all this yet?

He doesn’t think his life is unmanageable, yet he’s told me that, in rages, he’s punched holes in ceilings and smashed glass. “I knew when I did it that I’d have to repair the damage, but I did it anyway.” He’s lost hundreds of dollars at the track and sworn never to go back, yet he goes back. He’s been in a fourteen-year relationship with Christy. They’ve broken up time and time again, yet he’s always gone back. Is their relationship really over?

If someone had recommended a Twelve-Step program to me when I was his age, and I had accepted it, it could have changed my life, as it’s changing it now.

If someone had recommended Al-Anon to Ernie after his five years is A.A., and he’d agreed to it, it could have changed his life.

Would either of us been open to it? Had we caused ourselves and each other enough trouble? Had we suffered enough? Why do people have to hit bottom before they open a door to a Twelve-Step meeting? Is it not possible to catch ourselves before we smash and crash?

I invited Joshua to live with me, and I recommended a Twelve-Step program to him. What will he say?

Ernie used to say: “Joshua’s a lot like you.” I never asked him to expand on this observation, but we are alike in this way: he and I have both been in long-term co-dependent relationships, so we both need help and guidance in establishing healthy relationships with ourselves and with others.

We need practice. We can practice with each other.

But I guess that’s what we are doing.