I’ve puzzled over the concept of a higher power for quite a while, ever since I first attended a Twelve-Step meeting and heard the phrase used over and over.

I’ve finally come to my own perception of it: my higher power is just that, a creative energy within me that helps me face difficult situations and make better decisions. It helps me move in a helpful direction, toward the light. My higher power is giving me my next best step, and usually it’s a step I haven’t taken before, going in a direction I haven’t been before.

And dreams can be part of my higher power.

After Ernie saw blood in his urine, on an April day nearly four years before he died, he had this dream: A judge is to decide my fate. When the judge turns around in his swivel chair, I see that it is A. Hitler.

A. Hitler. A hit. Ernie’s higher power was telling him that someone or something was coming to get him. Was going to hurt him. Wanted to destroy him.

Nine days after Ernie had the A. Hitler dream, I had this dream: I need to piss but can’t find an open drain to piss in, in a room full of drains — but they’re all stuffed with either cigarette butts or butterscotch candies.

Yes, dreams can be part of my higher power, if I let them.



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My writer husband’s favorite nickname for me was Ernestina, so in this 3-book memoir, he is Ernie. This is his story, our story, and my story. I invite you in.