ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 31: Out of the Valley of Darkness

At my Twelve-Step meeting, I tell several friends what I’ve been thinking and how I’ve been feeling. I tell them about the butcher knife. One says: “Pray. Pray. Pray. Call on your Higher Power. Don’t talk to Joshua of this. Talk to your Higher Power.”

Tonight, in my deep shame and sadness, I remember what this friend said, so I begin a prayer. Higher Power, lead me out of this valley. Over and over. Higher Power, lead me out of this deep and dark valley.

It doesn’t happen immediately, but eventually I feel something airy, expansive, in the soles of my feet. Is this a sign that I can rise and be lifted from this deep and dark valley?

I keep praying. Then I get hungry. I take a freckled brown egg from its carton and cook it. I pull out leftover spinach that, a few days ago, I sauteed with onion and doused with a Chinesy sauce. Hey, this doesn’t sound like a woman who wants to kill herself, does it?

It’s after midnight. The phone rings. Sometimes I think it’s ringing and it isn’t, but this time it really is. It can only be Joshua.

“I just want to let you know that Louisville just won the Sugar Bowl. They beat Florida, the number-three team in the nation.” His voice sounds raggedy; he’s been cheering. “They returned a punt for a touchdown on the opening play of the game. They led the whole way. It’s the biggest upset in Sugar Bowl history. They were sixteen-point underdogs.”

I feel like an underdog, too, but maybe I can pull off an upset. Maybe I can climb out of this valley of darkness where I can’t see beyond myself.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Pray to my Higher Power. And be grateful to Joshua, who’s helping me.