ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter Thirteen: Dissociative

I’ve just realized, reading books on anxiety, that I’m probably a dissociative personality.

Dissociatives disconnect from their thoughts, feelings, and memories. Hence, they have a shaky or non-existent self-identity. It’s a cognitive process usually caused by trauma and designed to keep pain away.

No wonder I have very few childhood memories. No wonder I feel slippery to myself. As a child, I coped with pain by not thinking about what bothered me. I almost stopped thinking. Nothing registered, so I didn’t store memories.

This became my habit. So, who was I? Who am I?

These mornings, I awaken covered with sweat. I feel estranged from everyone and everything. I can’t carry on a conversation with most people unless it’s about me. That’s why I’m okay in Al-Anon meetings. They let me talk about myself.

Most people don’t want to listen to what I feel compelled to say. Joshua doesn’t, either. “Can’t you be positive?” he says. “Everything that comes out of your mouth is negative.”

I don’t like myself. I’m not who I thought I was. I want to change, but I don’t know how.