ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 246: Radishes and Sail Boats Recently a thought struck me, causing me to feel a mix of sadness and anger and restlessness. It’s about this writing. I spend hours at it each day. What if I’m just being obsessive? What if the writing’s not worthwhile? To think…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 245: Thinking Straight C. S. Lewis, in A Grief Observed, written in the months after the death of his wife, American-born poet Joy Davidman, compares losing her to losing a leg. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 244: My Coach and I Sometimes I hold tight to my middle when I feel myself about to fly apart. Sometimes I cross my arms about my shoulders, hugging myself. I am learning to ground myself and to love myself. I’m also learning to think for myself…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 243: Enough Ernie is still my friend. He is still my love. I don’t want him to be dead, he didn’t want to be dead, and he’s not dead — not to me. Does this sound as if I’m in fantasyland? But I’m not. I know I’m…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 242: Sharing Joshua taps softly on my door this afternoon and comes in bearing a shopping bag he unloads in my kitchen: apples, guacamole he made over the weekend in Jodi’s kitchen, and two chicken breasts they grilled in her back yard, each breast topped with a…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 241: Listening to my Higher Power Joshua calls, asking me to a baseball game. Today’s writing made me feel sad so I’m in no mood for a baseball game. I tell him so. “Well, okay. Okay. Well. Okay.” He doesn’t hang up. There’s an edge to his…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 230: The Trap Ernie was constantly on the alert. “I see everything,” he’d say. This vigilance kept him tense because underneath his vigilance was fear. Usually he confronted his fear by doing what he feared. Scared to marry? Then marry three times. Scared to have a child…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching Book Two, Chapter 238: Glimpses In his hospital bed, Ernie spoke the clearest and most absolute truth when he looked over at Joshua and me — both sitting on the bed across the room from him — and said: “I know I shouldn’t feel abandoned, but I do. Come closer.” …