ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Prologue: Searching

(NOTE: I haven’t posted any photo of Ernie or Ernestina, which are nicknames, on medium.com or google, so any photo showing up is not a photo of either of us.)

My previous book, Ernie and Ernie: The Writer, His Wife, and their Afterlife, which covers my…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 68: A Birthday

It’s my birthday. I’m sixty-three.

For a celebration lunch, Joshua and I head to a French bistro located in a converted carriage house just east of downtown.

Yesterday he took the day off from house-repair work, but I didn’t.

“I scrubbed the kitchen ceiling…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 67: Work, Work, Work

I’ve been accepted into a local university’s depression study. In two days I’ll have my first session with a cognitive-behavior therapist.

In ten days I’ll be in my attorney’s office answering questions posed by opposing counsel in my wrongful-death lawsuit against Ernie’s urologist.

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 66: Sexual Illiterates

It’s Valentine’s Day. Perhaps this is why I’m thinking of sex. Sex in love.

Even though Ernie was in a relationship in college that led to an engagement and was in two marriages before ours, he didn’t fully understand how a woman feels sexual…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 65: Solitary Confinement

Joshua and I are in my living room, a room he doesn’t like to be in. I’ve finished the work on his tax return, and he’s signed it. It’s ready to be mailed.

“You will put an extra stamp on that before you mail…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 64: Scorch Marks

“It really hurt when my grandmother died,” Joshua tells me. “She liked me. I spent most of my time with her. Her love was unconditional, non-judgemental. She was a good sport. All of a sudden there was no one to watch Dukes of Hazzard

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 63: Arise! Arise! Arise!

I never felt envy before Ernie died, but now, when I pass houses that make sense and are well-kept, with a porch light on, I feel envy at the contented couples or the serene households within.

On my walk to Charles Street today…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 62: A Letter to Joshua

I write a letter to Joshua. I tell him I can’t live with my pain. I tell him I’m sorry to have let him down and to have missed so much of his life. I tell him not to bury my ashes at Cave Hill. I don’t want any of me around. I say to him: I can’t live with myself.

I’m scared. Am I going to kill myself? I don’t know, but it’s what I think about, what I visualize. A butcher knife. My left wrist.

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 61: Festering

David delivers mail to my building. In our occasional talks in the mail room or by his mail truck, I’ve come to realize he’s a wise man.

“I don’t like anything to fester in my heart,” he says to me today. “Any little thing that…

ERNIE AND ERNESTINA: Searching

Book Two, Chapter 60: Ernie’s Army Coat

I don’t know how I’ll ever organize this writing.

It’s all in longhand. I just pile chapter atop chapter. Stacks of chapters surround me. I’ve finally begun to date and staple each chapter so at least I know the order of them. At…

Ernestina

My writer husband’s favorite nickname for me was Ernestina, so in this 3-book memoir, he is Ernie. This is his story, our story, and my story. I invite you in.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store